Sunday, June 26, 2011

I'm scared

I guess one could say that I’m scared.

1. I’m scared of loving and getting hurt.
There are few things I truly love in this life. Jesus, my mommy and daddy, my two sisters, my grandma, my best friend, music, and good food. Those are my true loves. I know that none of them would ever hurt me. There have been a couple of times in my life when a guy has shown real interest in me and I’ve turned him down due to the fear of being put in a vulnerable position. The single time I really, really liked a guy, he just lead me on and ended up making me feel like shit through many douche-y acts. The question that’s been asked millions of times before: is love worth all of the pain that will most likely spawn from it? Sure, everything is rosey and sugar-coated at the beginning, but what happens after the honeymoon phase subsides?
2. I’m scared of losing my independence.
I’m almost 19. I’ve never been one of those boy-crazed girls. Never really worried about relationships and all of that. But now that there’s another chance for me to get close to a guy, I’m scared of losing my independence. It’s not like I’m a promiscuous girl… that’s the last thing anyone would call me. I’m scared of losing the strength I have as an individual. Where I am now, I feel confident about myself and my abilities, and I’m so scared of putting myself in a position where someone could possibly make me doubt myself. Should I put that on the line just to possibly fall in love?
3. I’m scared of new things and the unknown. Like having a boyfriend.
New experiences are scary. The first time I went on a date, I thought I was going to hyperventilate. Starting a relationship with a guy is completely unknown territory for me. I wouldn’t know how to act, what to do. I’m scared of not always smelling good and not always being in peak physical condition. I’m scared of any guy touching me in a way that I haven't been touched before. I’m scared of having to play a part that I don’t know how to play, because all I can be is myself and myself is not a girlfriend. I try and justify the possibility of turning him down by telling myself that if it takes this much thought, it’s not meant to be. But not every romance begins with love at first sight. Not every couple started out on ideal terms. Yet… I don’t know what to do. The easy thing would be to simply continue doing what I’ve been doing my whole life – nothing. Or I could put everything on the line and just go for it.

I’m not even in love and I’ve just given up hours of sleep to write about it. This worries me. It scares me.

xx,
Dewi Novita Sari

Monday, June 20, 2011

When the time is right it will happen

Sometimes i might be jealous if see those who have found their love. People like myself who long to find 'the one' envy them and can't wait to be in their position. I wonder when will he come? will he come tomorrow? or the day after tomorrow? or he will never come? Those questions keep hanging in my mind. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. :) So for those who have found your love, never let he/she go, hold on tight.

xx,
Dewi Novita Sari

Friday, June 17, 2011

Emptiness

My life sucks but i don't feel the need to forcibly end it. I don't know how common this is, but for me, the main problem is that i feel disconnected from everyone and everything. Okay, i have my family who loves me for the way i am and i have many friends out there who i care about and who care about me, but no real intimacy with anyone. I feel like i will be alone for the rest of my life.Yeah, it sucks, this totally sucks. I don't know how to end this with any helpful advice or words of wisdom. If you think you do, email me and let me know. Omoo, i started complaining about my life. Forgive me Lord.

xx,
Dewi Novita Sari

Friday, June 10, 2011

i've no idea what to type here. i'm really stuck with this "forever" holiday. got nothing to do. i want july come faster because there's so many things i can do. it's still 21 days left to july *sigh. okay i'm off now and happy friday everyone.

xx,
Dewi Novita Sari

Friday, June 3, 2011

we are not friends forever

Let’s face it, we’ve changed, we’ve all changed. Somewhere between summer ending and school starting, we’ve all gone our own directions. Hearts were broken, friendships were diminished, and new loves started and new people came into our lives. We no longer spend all of our time together in our circle of friends; we no longer talk for hours about nothing at all. Some of us are finding love while some of us are trying to let go. Even though we’ve changed we all know that even though we’re all finding our own place in the world that when we find love, let go of a love, or when the tears fall, or a smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us and no matter what happens nothing will change so much that we are all not friends forever.

xx,
Dewi Novita Sari